I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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