there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
