dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
