I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
should my penis look like a turkey
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
me + whiskey = a bad person
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
