Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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