and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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