i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
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Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
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Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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