if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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