I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
