I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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