Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It was confusing and full of hummus
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
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