Pappa wants mamma naked
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
