There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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