He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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