So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
