"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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