Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
