My liver just broke up with me...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
