i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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