Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
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