I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
