I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
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I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
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Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando