remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
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We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
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You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.