Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.