I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.