i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
