My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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