I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
