my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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