...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
