a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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