In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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