If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
