dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
