okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
