My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
