her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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