well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I still have a little drunk in my system
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
