Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
