sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
