What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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