I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
whose ass print is on the piano?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
