you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
