You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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