onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
