i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
