I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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