my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
