Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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