My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
