sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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