Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
