Do you still have your period?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
