Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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