in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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