Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
