there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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